August 06, 2024
I survived a record natural disaster alone. It feels silly from where I'm at right now, but I've been beyond scared. Just utterly terrified. I'm scared of my own notifications and have been listening to the news nonstop just to feel like I have some control. The moment I stop seeing the statistics, I start noticing the things that can't be predicted. As long as I cling to logic, I can function. Otherwise, I can't even breathe. I had panic attacks when the sirens went off because I couldn't get my cats to cooperate. They were scared and running from me, hiding behind things, and I just snatched them up, tossed them in carriers, and locked us in the safest room in the house while I had my nervous breakdown until the sirens shut off. It's been a while since I had a panic attack at that intensity, too, so I'm still feeling really wrong on some metaphysical level.
Other than that, life is great. I'm okay, I have a secure food supply for over a week, I have enough water to last me several weeks, and my cats are okay. I'm okay. Everything is going to be okay. It's just the rain and I can survive that. It can only get so high with these predictions and I have to be okay because I haven't seen any of it creeping toward my neighborhood. We'll all be okay. Nothing is going to happen and eventually everything will go back to normal. The sun will come out and it will be warm and kind and pleasant. I will waste my time with things that only matter to me and the days will go on and on and on. The worst is over, the storm is leaving, and I will continue to be okay even if it takes several more days to get out of this. They have warnings until the 9th, I think, but it's okay. Nothing will happen.
Until I can focus, I'm going to probably start writing a subpage for old gaming myths (particularly for Zelda since I am an unhinged lore monster) where I disregard all official information post-Skyward Sword (when they released the timelines) about eras. I'm not super well versed in what is on the cartridges nor do I know how to dissect a ROM, but I did play for hundreds of hours across the entire selection of Gamecube games other than Windwaker (I still played the Collector's Edition demo pretty regularly). Compiling information about it is such a soothing, brain dead activity and I would like to be soothed and thoughtless.
If something wild happens, I probably won't update for a very long time. If nothing happens, I'll try to remember to update things later. Keyword : try. I'm going to have a lot on my plate just recovering mentally from being terrified for an sustained, extended period of time. Just my phone going off is enough to make me shake, as it stands. When I get back to updating, I might just redesign the site and move away from the aquatic feeling, too. I doubt I'll appreciate that when I came back.
August 06, 2024
I survived a record natural disaster alone. It feels silly from where I'm at right now, but I've been beyond scared. Just utterly terrified. I'm scared of my own notifications and have been listening to the news nonstop just to feel like I have some control. The moment I stop seeing the statistics, I start noticing the things that can't be predicted. As long as I cling to logic, I can function. Otherwise, I can't even breathe. I had panic attacks when the sirens went off because I couldn't get my cats to cooperate. They were scared and running from me, hiding behind things, and I just snatched them up, tossed them in carriers, and locked us in the safest room in the house while I had my nervous breakdown until the sirens shut off. It's been a while since I had a panic attack at that intensity, too, so I'm still feeling really wrong on some metaphysical level.Other than that, life is great. I'm okay, I have a secure food supply for over a week, I have enough water to last me several weeks, and my cats are okay. I'm okay. Everything is going to be okay. It's just the rain and I can survive that. It can only get so high with these predictions and I have to be okay because I haven't seen any of it creeping toward my neighborhood. We'll all be okay. Nothing is going to happen and eventually everything will go back to normal. The sun will come out and it will be warm and kind and pleasant. I will waste my time with things that only matter to me and the days will go on and on and on. The worst is over, the storm is leaving, and I will continue to be okay even if it takes several more days to get out of this. They have warnings until the 9th, I think, but it's okay. Nothing will happen.
Until I can focus, I'm going to probably start writing a subpage for old gaming myths (particularly for Zelda since I am an unhinged lore monster) where I disregard all official information post-Skyward Sword (when they released the timelines) about eras. I'm not super well versed in what is on the cartridges nor do I know how to dissect a ROM, but I did play for hundreds of hours across the entire selection of Gamecube games other than Windwaker (I still played the Collector's Edition demo pretty regularly). Compiling information about it is such a soothing, brain dead activity and I would like to be soothed and thoughtless.
If something wild happens, I probably won't update for a very long time. If nothing happens, I'll try to remember to update things later. Keyword : try. I'm going to have a lot on my plate just recovering mentally from being terrified for an sustained, extended period of time. Just my phone going off is enough to make me shake, as it stands. When I get back to updating, I might just redesign the site and move away from the aquatic feeling, too. I doubt I'll appreciate that when I came back.
August 28, 2024
It's funny how all progress and pride can be decimated in a matter of moments. How easy it is to be reminded of how insufficient or useless you are as just a human being. Only ever a human being. These past few months, maybe even years, wore on me harder than I expected, and it all reared its ugly head at the worst time. I'm not the type of person to fall into depression and buckle in tears but rather the type to lash out. I become angry and inconsoleable in my own self-exhile, refusing to let anyone near me while also being upset by it. A person like me shouldn't reach out to help others, sometimes. And yet I did and I burned us both.
For all my grandstanding about perhaps being a decent, mayhaps kind, person, I failed to act the part when it mattered. Sure, I got upset, things were said that got under my skin, but I should be able to sympathize. I should've had more self control but I just lost my grip on every virtue I believed in all because I'm overly sensitive and inconsiderate. I hate this part of myself more than anything else. It's like a disease, ruining everything I touch.
Even knowing all that, I just want to shut myself off entirely from everything all over again. I don't want to be treated kindly because it burns like alcohol poured on an open wound. Everything started to look up, everything seemed like it might get better, like the last couple years of agonizing might be over and that the past couple months of decline couldn't go any further. I thought I had grown as a person but I didn't. I just hadn't been challenged.
When I'm stressed too much, I hallucinate in this tiny, insignificant way. It's a smell, like chemicals and metal, that haunts me for weeks at a time. The hallucination itself is like a warning flag for me, that I need to knock it off and let go of what I'm doing, but I wasn't in a position to step back and so I kept pushing and pushing and pushing. What I keep forgetting because it's insidious and vile like that is that the hallucination also comes with a massive dent to my ability to think clearly. Looking back, everything would have probably been fine if I just stopped talking. But I kept going, kept fighting, and kept projecting all of my insecurities into one singular vulnerable moment where someone needed me.
I'm still hallucinating in the aftermath but I'm not as impacted. It's lessening, I guess, and now all I can do is regret. I'm a coward but I also think I don't have the right to apologize. My peace of mind should not take priority over someone else's right to get some distance from me. I meant well right up until I didn't and now I'll wait patiently for their forgiveness or farewell. Either way, nothing about my situation will actually change. Nothing has ever changed. I'm stuck in the same dilemma I've been in since high school, writhing in my own shame.
August 28, 2024
It's funny how all progress and pride can be decimated in a matter of moments. How easy it is to be reminded of how insufficient or useless you are as just a human being. Only ever a human being. These past few months, maybe even years, wore on me harder than I expected, and it all reared its ugly head at the worst time. I'm not the type of person to fall into depression and buckle in tears but rather the type to lash out. I become angry and inconsoleable in my own self-exhile, refusing to let anyone near me while also being upset by it. A person like me shouldn't reach out to help others, sometimes. And yet I did and I burned us both.For all my grandstanding about perhaps being a decent, mayhaps kind, person, I failed to act the part when it mattered. Sure, I got upset, things were said that got under my skin, but I should be able to sympathize. I should've had more self control but I just lost my grip on every virtue I believed in all because I'm overly sensitive and inconsiderate. I hate this part of myself more than anything else. It's like a disease, ruining everything I touch.
Even knowing all that, I just want to shut myself off entirely from everything all over again. I don't want to be treated kindly because it burns like alcohol poured on an open wound. Everything started to look up, everything seemed like it might get better, like the last couple years of agonizing might be over and that the past couple months of decline couldn't go any further. I thought I had grown as a person but I didn't. I just hadn't been challenged.
When I'm stressed too much, I hallucinate in this tiny, insignificant way. It's a smell, like chemicals and metal, that haunts me for weeks at a time. The hallucination itself is like a warning flag for me, that I need to knock it off and let go of what I'm doing, but I wasn't in a position to step back and so I kept pushing and pushing and pushing. What I keep forgetting because it's insidious and vile like that is that the hallucination also comes with a massive dent to my ability to think clearly. Looking back, everything would have probably been fine if I just stopped talking. But I kept going, kept fighting, and kept projecting all of my insecurities into one singular vulnerable moment where someone needed me.
I'm still hallucinating in the aftermath but I'm not as impacted. It's lessening, I guess, and now all I can do is regret. I'm a coward but I also think I don't have the right to apologize. My peace of mind should not take priority over someone else's right to get some distance from me. I meant well right up until I didn't and now I'll wait patiently for their forgiveness or farewell. Either way, nothing about my situation will actually change. Nothing has ever changed. I'm stuck in the same dilemma I've been in since high school, writhing in my own shame.
August 30, 2024
I've been thinking a lot more lately. Consciously, consistently thinking. The difference of the defined process is negligible to most people, but it gains significance to me and forces me to write cringeworthy thought vomits for my personal webpage that anyone who knows me could see. I could delete them, I guess, but glory lies in the rise rather than just sorta already being at your peak, huh?
Rather than agonize and make myself into a victim of my own garbage personality, I'll work on changing so that I don't make the same mistakes again. It's the moral and realistic thing to do. If I have even an ounce of real guilt or shame in me, that should be possible. Not easy, just possible and worth it. I'm also going to start working out again maybe to try and force my brain into chemical submission.
My new pants fit so well but they could fit better if I lose weight so I hope that will encourage me to get fit. A silly goal I probably won't reach but let a girl dream is that I want to be able to lift my husband's weight and thus him! That would be so cool!
Aside from that, nothing much. My first step in Operation Personality is to just workout more because I feel like a lot of my negativity stems from being permenantly jacked up. I used to be on the track team and enjoyed working out with other people until my bones started twisting up in some awful places that leave me unable to walk much some days let alone lift or anything else. All it takes is a bad step and the rest of the day will feel like I have sharp metal in between my joints. It discourages me a lot, but I want to be more than my limitations.
I'm also dicouraged by my husband, though, because he's so buff! So fast! So fit! I love him but ah! I want to be cool, too! Cool wife! So I'll have to workout while he's at work. When I feel like I can keep up with him, maybe we can work out together, but for now he's way out of my league and intimidating to work out with. It's a shame because he's so cute when he tries to encourage me despite the fact I'm a noodle.
August 30, 2024
I've been thinking a lot more lately. Consciously, consistently thinking. The difference of the defined process is negligible to most people, but it gains significance to me and forces me to write cringeworthy thought vomits for my personal webpage that anyone who knows me could see. I could delete them, I guess, but glory lies in the rise rather than just sorta already being at your peak, huh?Rather than agonize and make myself into a victim of my own garbage personality, I'll work on changing so that I don't make the same mistakes again. It's the moral and realistic thing to do. If I have even an ounce of real guilt or shame in me, that should be possible. Not easy, just possible and worth it. I'm also going to start working out again
My new pants fit so well but they could fit better if I lose weight so I hope that will encourage me to get fit. A silly goal I probably won't reach
Aside from that, nothing much. My first step in Operation Personality is to just workout more because I feel like a lot of my negativity stems from being permenantly jacked up. I used to be on the track team and enjoyed working out with other people until my bones started twisting up in some awful places that leave me unable to walk much some days let alone lift or anything else. All it takes is a bad step and the rest of the day will feel like I have sharp metal in between my joints. It discourages me a lot, but I want to be more than my limitations.
I'm also dicouraged by my husband, though, because he's so buff! So fast! So fit! I love him but ah! I want to be cool, too! Cool wife! So I'll have to workout while he's at work. When I feel like I can keep up with him, maybe we can work out together, but for now he's way out of my league and intimidating to work out with. It's a shame because he's so cute when he tries to encourage me despite the fact I'm a noodle.