J O U R N A L

July 02, 2024

I feel like I've gotten caught on an emotional branch. There is no danger, but I am impeded in some small way that demands my attention. These last few nights, I had dreams of places I will never be able to return to. Buldings long since demolished, houses with unknown addresses, and the strange logic of my dreamscape that weaves familiar things together in the same patterns, over and over. Flood after flood. The world is always ended in the dreams that I can string together and I am coming to understand a lot of it. I have a lot of subconscious, repressed grief that I do not know how to express nor do I feel safe to even in the comfort of my own home, far from prying eyes.

Despite losing my entire digital archive (RIP my little horde), I feel okay. At peace. My first response to being upset is to argue with myself on why it's silly, but I've tried something gentler and kinder than most have taught me: I began compiling reasons of why I'm justified. Why I'm allowed to be upset. The feeling comes, washes over me in all its terribleness, but then it leaves. I've spent the past lifetime living in a riptide and finally stopped fighting against it so hard.

I think, perhaps, if this continues, I could learn how to love myself like the people around me. Maybe they are right and I am a soft, gentle, kind, and loving person. I'm so wound up and ready to fight all the time, I don't think about why I do it or what it does to me. All I know is I hope this new perspective does not leave me.