J O U R N A L
October 3, 2024
I'm a really negative person but in a weird way where I laugh about it while I joke about how people literally tried to kill me. It's emotional whiplash and sometimes people misunderstand why I do it. They expect explanations. Then they get mad because I don't have this grand story attached to it where I woke up one day and decided to overcome like the ball of furious glory you see in every other article, story, and viral video. I just decided to inflict psychological damage in a general radius at random so that I could keep up with the vibe.
It all feels like the symptoms of this manufactured social dilemma where you(vague) are entitled to their(vague) existence and vice versa. Everyone gets to wrapped up in being authetically interesting and yet boringly real. Humans worry about how their percieved and that's normal. No one will see anyone as they really are. We can't even do that with ourselves either because we're prone to overconfidence or underconfidence. There is no such thing as moderation their. You either like yourself or you don't. Even if you don't think about it, that's a sign you like yourself enough
When you've got people all around you screaming to get your life together, figure yourself out, and grow up, it's hard to accept that you will be doing none of these things. Your life can be ruined at a moment's notice, you're going to learn about yourself every time you step outside of your comfort zone, and only children really care about the whole 'grow up' dilemma. With so many things primed to stress you out no matter what, you might as well take your time getting to them.
October 15, 2024
The third hurricane did more emotional and mental damage than anything else in my circle of existence. Everything ended up fine and I felt ridiculous for being so shaken up, but I guess it's one of those things where I can't just logic my way through my own chaotic thoughts and feelings. I'm just experiencing a lot. Not just in terms of declared emergencies, but in the quiet of my own private life. It's like I don't have an identity and my parts are just things to swap out. I can't even connect with the story I wrote because it feels like it's someone else's story. I'm actually shifting that project over into something else entirely (not just axing it) because of how dissonant the entire work is both to itself and to me. Too often people tell me I'm either being dramatic for putting things this way or they want to armchair diagnose me with something severe, but I just don't feel any connection to who I used to be in any capacity and that's it. My therapist told me I'm just sensitive and that's just a part of it. My perspective on things is in constant motion, changing as rapidly as life around me. I can't see things from where I'd been ten years ago any clearer that ten hours.
On a brighter note, I've been playing Sky Children of the Light to try and feel something more significant than dread and aimlessness. It's the Season of Moomin and while I'm not particularly fond of Moomin, it feels good to have goals and be a part of something. I'm two hearts away from a chibi mask and that season limited harmonica will be mine in like five more days. I got the coat from the latest traveling spirit and it pairs well with my dress, mask, and hairpiece from Days of Style. I also have the hair from Baffled Botanist but I'm sure a lot of people do, too. It has been a drain on my nonexistent pile of candles and heart but I make it work, grinding out 20 candles a day when things start to feel too heavy. I even finally got around to the AURORA quest and cried because it was so beautifully done. Saving players, guiding moths, and just trying my best feels nice, too. It makes me feel like I'm a part of the world even if I hardly exist at all outside of it.